How I Improved My Relationship with My Sister-in-Law
I used to envy families in which a sister-in-law was filial toward her parents-in-law and the sisters-in-law got along so harmoniously. Yet, although I was a Buddhist practitioner, my relationship with my younger brother’s wife was so distant that we were practically strangers.
Whenever our family gathered, I would unconsciously take on the role of a “judge.” This was especially true when it came to my sister-in-law. I could always find something she had failed to do thoughtfully enough for her mother-in-law—my mother. In my view, being filial meant that the younger generation should unconditionally respect, obey, and care for their elders. Somehow, I always felt that my sister-in-law fell a little short. She would also argue with my mother over trivial matters, and all of this became evidence, in my eyes, for judging her.
I would often reveal my dissatisfaction with her in front of other family members without even realizing it. My words carried a tone of reproach, and sometimes I even relied on my position as her husband’s elder sister to criticize her. Whenever my mother complained to me about her daughter-in-law, I would immediately take my mother’s side without considering the situation carefully and would find fault with my sister-in-law. As a result, I only intensified the conflict between them.
One day, I once again respectfully studied the Treasury book Learning From Buddha, in which the H.H. Dorje Chang Buddha III expounded the Dharma. When I came to the specific teachings on “examining oneself three times a day,” I began to reflect upon and examine myself.
Suddenly, I realized: Wasn’t everything I had been doing at home precisely an example of becoming entangled in the rights and wrongs of worldly affairs?
I was constantly noticing other people’s faults and criticizing them, openly or indirectly, while completely forgetting to examine myself.
H.H. Dorje Chang Buddha III teaches us not to focus on the faults of others. We should regard another person’s faults as our own. When we see shortcomings in others, we should regard them as a diminishment of ourselves; when we see goodness in others, we should regard it as our own good fortune.
Looking back at myself, I realized how often I had focused on other people’s faults. Whenever I complained about and criticized my sister-in-law in front of our family, saying that this or that about her was wrong, I had already become entangled in right and wrong, trapped in attachment to self, and caught up in thoughts such as, “You are wrong,” “What you are doing is not right,” and “I don’t like the way you do things.”
I was truly full of bad habits, a person deeply burdened by attachment to self. I had forgotten the H.H. Dorje Chang Buddha III’s teachings. I had forgotten that with each passing day, there is one less day left in my life and that every day brings me closer to the crematorium. Every day, dark karma was accumulating upon me. How could I possibly attain accomplishment this way? And how could I guide others to learn Buddhism?
After recognizing the errors in my behavior, I immediately changed the way I treated my sister-in-law.
I began taking the initiative to help drive her children to and from school. I helped her with farm work. When she came home late from work, I would prepare meals and invite her and my mother to eat together. To help ease the tension between my mother and sister-in-law, I also began praising my sister-in-law during holiday family gatherings, telling everyone how hardworking and capable she was.
Just as a gentle rain quietly nourishes the earth, changes gradually began to take place. A smile slowly returned to my sister-in-law’s face, and our relationship became increasingly harmonious. Sometimes, she would even initiate conversations with me and talk about stories concerning cause and effect.
Her attitude toward my mother also underwent a remarkable transformation.
On one occasion, my mother was hospitalized and needed someone to care for her. At this critical time, my sister-in-law not only voluntarily took on the responsibility of caring for her mother-in-law, but also looked after her with great thoughtfulness. From preparing her meals and attending to her daily needs to comforting her emotionally, everything she did reflected patience and loving care.
Every day, she prepared nutritious meals for my mother and patiently kept her company, chatting with her to relieve her boredom. Even late at night, when everything was quiet, I would see her gently pulling the blanket over my mother.
Seeing all of this filled my heart with warmth. Her care touched every one of us.
When I think back, I realize that I had always viewed my sister-in-law through a prejudiced lens. I failed to understand that everyone expresses their feelings and care differently. Instead, I relied on my own subjective judgments and readily drew conclusions about her. Even worse, I had forgotten the Buddha’s teachings. Thinking about this fills me with shame.
My sister-in-law’s transformation not only improved our relationship but also brought about a profound cleansing of my own heart and allowed me to see myself more clearly. This experience reminds me to constantly examine myself, always keep the H.H. Dorje Chang Buddha III’s teachings in mind, and put cultivation into practice in every aspect of daily life.
Today, I have learned to view each member of my family with a calmer and more peaceful mind. Instead of looking at other people’s faults through a magnifying glass, I have learned to be more tolerant and grateful.
As a result, life has become much more beautiful.
Written by: Mo Wu
Edited by: Qu Yi Chen
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